I've been told throughout my life in Christ that he can redefine us, sanctify us, make us new (2 Cor 5:17,) and I've believed it. But, without realizing it, I only believed it to an extent. He can redefine most of me, but not the "hard" truths of my decrepit soul. I can become a new creation in Him, I'm forgiven by Him, but parts of my sin are just biological. I'm made and designed to be anxious. I've been told and I believed anxiety is just something to accept, or even medicate, but it won't go away. I have to work with it. I knew it was a sin, but part of me thought He would have to work around it. And a part (a very sick part) of me even believed that if I wasn't anxious enough, I was too laid back, I wasn't doing something right.
But, what does this mean for my life? It means I can trust Him, but only to a predetermined point. I trust Him for the big things: yes, I'm forgiven; yes, our country will not go to shambles unless He allows it; yes, He is sovereign over the world. How do I still worry over my child's sleep, over embarrassing dirt in a corner, over a husband coming home from a bike ride and accidentally waking a sleepy and cranky toddler? How do I still worry over big things (my child's life,) and small (did I clean well enough this week?) How do I worry over perfection everyday of my life? The puzzle pieces of His grace and greatness didn't align in my life.
My life was consumed with worry, with frustration and, in essence, with anger. Where there is worry, there is frustration. Where there is frustration, there is entitlement. Where there is entitlement, there is pride. Where there is pride, there is anger. I believed "that's who I am, that is who I was, that is who I will be." So, why did His promises apply everywhere but there?
I joined a new Bible study a few weeks ago. It's for doctor's wives, not out of exclusivity, but because marrying a doctor is harder than anyone told us before we got ourselves into this gig, and we need support! We are reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. It's all about "Eucharisto" which is the Greek way of saying "thanks" which also includes the Greek words "joy" and "grace." It's (so far) about putting weight in the moment, and finding thankfulness is everything in order to fully experience joy and grace.
I don't know how the Holy Spirit moved my heart, but in this trial of being thankful for everything, I've learned that my anxiousness isn't a symptom of my genes. It's a symptom of my sin, of my sense of entitlement, and I don't have to have it or live it. I can just enjoy the moments of my life, and just be. This doesn't mean that I don't parent, that I can just sit back and enjoy my child rolling around of the floor of the grocery store, but IN parenting, I can find thankfulness. I can parent to parent, I don't parent out of frustration or anger because my child is doing something to inconvenience my life. In these moments, I can find that God's grace is everywhere, not just in the cooperative parts of my life.
As Ann says, life isn't an emergency (this was the simple yet novel idea that blew my mind.) Even the worst parts, God ordained. And hardly any of the bad parts are the worst, let's be honest. So, when my child is throwing a fit after peeing her pants at the museum: This isn't an emergency. I'm thankful that she is well enough to throw that fit, and that we got to be at the museum at all. When Danny comes home from a bike ride and wakes her from her nap: This isn't an emergency. I'm thankful for a loving and involved husband. When I clean the house and Ruthie pours a cup of milk on the rug right afterwards: This isn't an emergency. I have more milk to give her (usually,) and we are blessed. Are unicorns and rainbows involved as well? No, (unicorns don't exist, don't be ridiculous) frustration still ensues, but I'm working on the habit of taking the power out of my frustration by being thankful in the moments. As it says in the book, all we have are moments. Being thankful puts weight in the moments, extinguishes our entitlement, and helps us to live a life where we can experience the joy and grace given. When we live life not by bitterness for the "should" but by thankfulness for what is given, we live a life of "eucharisto" of thankfulness, joy and grace.
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